The Banging Noise
by rose of light
Summary: Ever wonder what happened during the time that Zelda was kidnapped until the time Link stormed into the highest tower room? Read to be satisfied.
1. Mysterious Laughter

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters – I just gave them weird personalities.

The Banging Noise

CRACK! The large ornate doors that led to the grand, high tower of a dark and disturbed castle swung violently open to let a stately, yet sinister man inside. His heavy steel-toed boots did not seem to pose any problem to his hovering a good two or three feet above the ground. He floated across the vast room to a huge pipe organ directly across from the doors that had just nearly been knocked off their hinges, and he gracefully sat down on the hand-carved wooden stool before him. Then this man, the dark king of Hyrule, Ganondorf, dramatically raised his hands above his head, brought them down on the keyboard --

-- and began to play the shop song.

The music carried a few floors down to a set of Stalfo guards, who immediately captured the essence of being startled, looked at each other, shrugged, and then proceeded to dance. The elemental emblems of the sages above the dark doors in the lower part of the castle began to swirl in a spray of light, causing the force-field around the center stairs to take on the pretty hues of a rainbow. Even the Beamos began to put on a laser light show – much to the dismay of each other when one got a little too excited.

Back to Ganondorf, the evil king was bouncing up and down with the song and smiling like a tot.

"Oh, this is fantastic!" he exclaimed rapturously. "I have succeeded in taking over all of Hyrule, captured the elusive Princess Zelda, and the so-called Hero of Time is bringing the last of the Triforce right into my grasp!"

He inhaled sharply, placed the back of his hand against his forehead – as if he were going to faint – and said in a wrenched voice, "It's too beautiful!"

Suddenly, he stopped and cocked an ear. He had just realized that, during his brief monologue, there had been a tapping noise. Now it had been replaced by hysterical laughter and banging.

Ganondorf, needless to say, was knocked from his happy place.

Standing abruptly with a flushed face, he yelled in an indignant voice, "Who's there?! Show yourself!!"

He charged a small orb of energy in his hand. "Your death will be swifter if I don't have to come find you!"

After more laughter, wheezing, and the occasional snort, the answer came,

"Up – mwahah – here! Snorthahaha!"

Ganondorf angrily raised his eyes above the organ at which he was previously sitting. What he saw made him burn with such rage that even the King Dodongo would break into a sweat.

The princess Zelda of Hyrule, prophetess and keeper of the Triforce of Wisdom, was inside her large pink rupee on her hands and knees, banging her fist against the lower side of the gem and laughing so hard that she was having trouble breathing.

Now Ganondorf was livid.

"Grrrr - stop that laughing!!"

She didn't. It didn't help his mood.

"I mean it!" he continued. "Stop or -"

She paused briefly to wipe away a tear that had leaked out from all the laughter, while still lightly chuckling.

"Heheh, or what? Hahaha..."

Ganondorf drew back the arm with the charged orb and let the power fly. Zelda flung herself against the back wall in shock just as the the blast struck the rupee head-on. The power from that attack should have finished her, but Ganondorf had forgotten one thing...

He had made the rupee indestructible - it didn't even shudder.

Zelda looked at the clearing smoke, the rupee walls, and finally Ganondorf. She burst into a greater fit of laughter than before.

Ganondorf was now turning a lovely shade of purple, which only increased the princess's laughter. So much blood has rushed to Ganondorf's head that you could fry a Goron on his forehead gem.

"Raaaaah! Stop now or you'll be sorry!!"

Zelda coughed sarcastically and spoke between breaths.

"Oh - I apologize most - adamantly, oh great - king of evil! HAHAHA!"

She leaned against the wall, clutching her sides from laughing pains, and wiped away tears of mirth.

"Wow, the shop song was _one_ thing, but the happy dancing and the goofy grin? _Sooo_ evil. Haha!"

Ganondorf looked down his nose as best he could at her since she was, in fact, at least fifty feet above him.

"Well, I can't play my theme song _all_ the time - the doctor says it's bad for my blood pressure."

"Explains the purple face."

"No one asked you!!"

Zelda brushed a lock of hair off her shoulder. "So what? I think I have some right to speak if I'm going to be trapped here a while."

Ganondorf grinned slyly. "Trapped is a good word, my dear..."


	2. All Woman

"Trapped is a good word, my dear, for that rupee is invulnerable to magic."

Zelda's face grew mischievious. "Too bad you didn't think about that before puffing a lot of smoke up here."

Rather than giving her the satisfaction of making him angry again, he held his breath, counted to ten, and said, "Prisoners can't be picky."

Zelda sniffed. "Hardly a prison." She suddenly looked thoughtful. "By the way, why pink? It's not really that great a color. Is that some sort of law for princesses? 'You must be smothered in pink.' I miss being Sheik. I like purple, and do you know how little freedom you get while wearing a dress? Well let me tell you..."

Ganondorf sat in stunned silence as Zelda went on and on - sometimes even connecting topics that he never would have otherwise heard in the same context. The only time he had ever heard something remotely similar was when he had to sit and listen to his surrogate mothers, Koume and Kotake, discuss apparently anything and everything that came into their heads. He _still_ could not figure out how they managed to connect the physics involving bugs when you catch one, release three, they go into a hole and come out a Gold Skulltulla, to how many Redead it would take to KO the Biggoron. He had allowed the two to brainwash Nabooru simply because he could not make heads or tails out of what she was saying. In other words, Ganondorf was baffled by women in general.

"...Ganondorf? Ganondorf. GANONDORF!"

Ganondorf looked up impatiently. How dare she interrupt his train of thought whilst he pondered the perplexing logic of the female species!

"Ganondorf, you're so insensitive!" Zelda proceeded to scold. "No wonder Nabooru left you! A girl can't speak for two seconds without you zoning out on her!"

The cold smile that slowly covered his face sent chills down Zelda's spine.

"Left _me_?" hedrawled. "On the contrary, my pet. She was a traitor, and she talked _way_ too much. Simply put, I imprisoned her in a statue and - voila! - end of relationship."

Zelda's profile was aghast. "YOU WOMANIZER!" She had chosen the wrong word, but didn't particularly care, so she went on.

"I oughta punch you right in the mouth!" 

Then her face suddenly assumed a disgusted, questioning look. "And stop with the terms or endearment - we're not that friendly."

It was now Ganondorf's turn to be disgusted.

"Whoever said I thought of you _that_ way? Obviously, you've never read The Villian's Code of Cruelty. Oh, dash it all! Why were you trying to get my attention in the first place!"

Zelda folded her left arm and leaned on her right hand in an effort to remember. The sudden acknowledgement that crossed her face showed that she had, indeed, remembered her earlier thought.

"Why do you wear boots?"

Ganondorf blinked and then wildly shook his head.

"_What_?"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Why do you wear boots?"

"What in Hyrule is _that_ supposed to mean!"

Zelda folded her arms and gave such an Oh-My-Freakin'-Goodness look that Ganondorf nearly said, "I'm sorry, Mother - it won't happen again."

"Well, you float, obviously! So what reason do you have to wear boots?"

Ganondorf was incredulous that she had made such a big deal about that, so he decided to try the sarcastic retort.

"The same reason you disguised yourelf as Sheik."

Now, Zelda was quite high up, but not so high that Ganondorf had trouble discerning that her eyebrows were now climbing even higher on her forehead.

"Soooo, you wear boots - "

Deep amusement now lit her features.

" - because you were trying to hide from a sick, evil man who has been man who has been hunting you for seven years and only wants you for your Triforce piece?"

"Exactly. Wait - no!"

Too late. Zelda was, once again, laughing hysterically.


	3. The Boot Necessity

**Author warning: I added to the last chapter. If you read it when it ended ****"...Ganondorf? Ganondorf. GANONDORF!", ****you will probably want to go back and read what I added. My sister got onto me for just plain sticking it in - said it was bad ettiquette. I apologize for any inconvenience. Please continue!**

Since the sarcstic retort did not work, he decided to try to baffle her with his own logic.

"Actually, these boots are a necessity," he began.

Zelda calmed herself. She was obviously interested in what his excuse was, but couldn't help interjecting, "Completes the outfit, right?"

Ganondorf was taken aback. "How did you know?"

If he saw the half amused, half grossed-out look Zelda gave him, he did not react to it. He simply went on - 

"As a super villian who has obtained a large amount of power, one must keep up apperances in order to ensure that those under your reign of tyranny might not rile themselves to pointless revolution."

Now noticing the newly appointed confusion on Zelda's face, he translated, "Fear's you're ally as a villian - I have to look tough so people don't think I'm a pushover and start riots that I would have to waste my time to squash."

The perfect ammunition had been given. Zelda took it and opened fire.

"_Well_ then!" she exclaimed in mock surprise. "I apologize for not noticing your intimidating wardrobe! Shall I grovel at your feet in fear?"

She rested her left arm across her waist, grasped her right elbow in her left hand, touched the tip of her index finger to her lips, and appeared very thoughtful.

"No, no. If I grovel at your feet it shall probably kill me. You know, that ferocious shine on your villian must-have boots would frighten me to death - either that or I'd fling myself into Mount Doom for actually groveling in the first place."

Ganondorf was snarling. "You have no idea how much I'd _love_ to save you the trouble."

"Why don't you then?"

Ganondorf looked at her like she was the biggest idiot he had ever met. Zelda read what his gaze meant and sent back a crippling stare assuring him that the feeling was mutual.

The evil king spoke in evil tones. "If I were to kill you now, the Triforce of Wisdom would be lost again - either to the next wisest or to the winds if none can be found that is close in comparison. Then I would have to either go hunt down _another_ person or spend too much time looking for little shards and tediously piecing it back together. What if it was given to Kaporea Gaborea? That would take forever to get back, plus he'd yak my ear off! Anyways, your my bait for Link - how am I to get him up here without a hostage?"

Zelda opened her mouth and then quickly shut it. She was going to show Ganondorf just how dense he was by pointing out that Link was going to come anyways - even before she got captured, Link would not know whether or not she was killed until he got up to the top of the tower unless someone told him, taking the second Triforce would make him more powerful in the fight against Link, the land of Hyrule could be considered a hostage, and Kaporea Gaborea was not a person. For obvious reasons, she kept quiet. Ganondorf, however, took her silence as a sign of victory. He was about to point it out, too, in a gloating, 'in-your-face' kind of way, when there was a knock at his large ornate doors.

Ganondorf whirled around. "That must be Link! But - how? - He - I thought he was still in the forest room! Omigoron! I didn't play the spooky and intimidating music!"

Turning again to Zelda, he asked, "Is this okay? My outfit? hair -"

Zelda's face distorted. "I thought you wanted to kill him - not DATE him!"

Ganondorf's face followed suite. "I meant in an evil, tyrannic way! Is it something that when you walk into the room prepared for battle that you see it, stop, and wet your pants?"

"Uhhhh, it's fine, I guess. Not that I'd wet my pants - even if I were wearing any...stupid dress..."

Keeping his back to the door as Zelda rambled, he sighed. "It'll have to do. Okay - " 

He used his biggest, scariest, main boss voice.

"COME IN PLEASE!"

He shot a brief glare at the barely stifled giggle from above, and he heard the door creak open and the pattering of little, hesitant footsteps. Ganondorf began to monologue, though he had to add-lib instead of his prepared beginning because this odd entrance did not work well with what he was originally going to start with in his planned piece.

"Hesitation? _Knocking_ on the door instead of barging in? My, my my - what an UN-heroic entrance." He paused to chuckle...evilly. "And bringing friends? Not very honorable for a due-"

Ganondorf had begun slowly turning after the chuckle pause - as part of the evildoer's way - but what he saw when he was fully facing the door caused him to stop abruptly. 


	4. That's Not Link

A stalfo, a fireslug, a redead, a lizalfo, a freezard, and a wolfo were all standing in front the huge, slightly cracked doors.

Ganondorf lept into the position one takes for a confrontation with an angry bee swarm, an over-sized skulltulla, a horde of miniblin, or pink frills - arms pulled into chest, one leg curled against its thigh with toes pointed, hands clutched to the shoulder, and a truly startled face.

"What are YOU all doing here?! That was supposed to be for Link!! Now I've wasted what was probably the best add-lib monologue of all time!!"

If he were able to go off this second and be alone, Ganondorf would normally have curled into a ball, called for his mother's, and told them to punish the mean people. However, being confronted by underlings, he had to keep the scary, evil boss-like manner and frighten them away.

He drew up to his full height - exaggerating it a bit with higher floating and magical illusions - and then he had fun with it. He made his eyes turn a glowing shade of blood red, made lightning crash behind him, had huge flames roar all around, and used an extra boomy voice.

"YOU IMBECILES! WHY DID YOU INTERRUPT ME?! NOW!! BEFORE YOU DIE!!"

All six creatures were clearly frazzled, yet they looked a bit confused. Shakily, the stalfo pulled a rolled piece of parchment from inside his ribcage and passed it to the redead, who pushed it away. The other four began inching away, so the stalfo tossed the paper to the fireslug. The parchment was ashes in seconds.

All the creatures groaned simultaneously. Ganondorf, who had lost the whole enraged dictator/sorcerer look, blinked and cocked and eyebrow. The stalfo looked thoughtful, held up an index finger bone, reached into his chest once more, and pulled out another roll of paper. The other monsters clapped - well, as best they could.

The stalfo then grabbed the wolfo by the scruff, stuck the paper in his mouth, and then pushed him towards Ganondorf. The wolfo tossed a hateful glare over his shoulder, tucked his tail between his hind legs, and timidly crawled on all fours towards the king of evil. The wolfo, much to Ganondorf's annoyance, dropped the roll a few feet away, and who could blame the poor woflo? Ganondorf could be a scary man.

Being too irked to go pick it up - not to mention he did not want his underlings to think they could get away with such an atrocity as not bowing and not properly handing him a piece of paper - he used his power to levitate the document into his now outstretched hand. He roughly opened the notice, read it, achieved the most incredulous look anyone in history had ever made, looked at the creatures, swung his gaze back to the paper, to the creatures again, and shrieked in quite an unmanly way.


	5. Gerudo Rage

"A **STRIKE?!**"

Ganondorf's cry shook the castle. Down in the fire room, Link looked around curiously. He had a light arrow fitted into his bow and was about to shoot out the source of the fire's assistance to the force field that surrounded the main stairway.

_This must be a trick of Ganondorf's,_ he thought. _I must hurry to Princess Zelda - she could be in mortal danger!_

However, Zelda was perfectly fine. She was snug and safe in her magic little rupee. On the other hand, the monsters had bee blown back by the huge waves of power that were being unleashed by Ganondorf in his rage. The fireslug was slung into the freezard, who was sent spinning in a cry of anguish that sounded like the howling winds of a blizzard. It then smacked into the lizalfo, who's sword was sent flying as he instantaneously froze. The sword struck the stalfo and stuck out of its ribcage. He then stumbled backwards into the redead, who promptly jumped onto the wolfo's back, holding on for dear life as the wolfo ran in a circle looking like he was chasing his tail.

Ganondorf, who was now holding the ashes of the strike notice, had a difficult time maintaining his angry face as he beheld the scene before him. It seemed, though, that he handled it well enough as the six were now cowering against the wall. The King of Evil decided to make this interesting.

Clenching both fists at his sides and lowering his head, Ganondorf sank slowly to the ground, focusing his power. All of the lights went dim as he stood statuesque for a moment. The monsters watched intently.

His eyelids suddenly wrenched open to reveal two glowing red orbs that intently watched the cowering creatures. From behind him, seemingly out of nowhere, he pulled out a large, double-edged sword with a black leather bound hilt, silver filigree, and a crimson pommel stone. Holding the sword in his left hand at his side, he started forward, walking slowly but dramatically and making sure that every step echoed around the room and made the monsters flinch. Arriving a few feet away, he flung the ashes at them and pointed the sword at them.

"What...is the meaning...of THIS?!"

The monsters were visibly shaking.

"How DARE you strike! I should make you disappear right now!"

The monsters were visibly confused.

Ganondorf was getting irked. "Answer me!"

He was now receiving looks like he was speaking another language. Recognition crossed the Gerudo king's face. Zelda heard him sigh, mumble something, and then begin making the strangest sounds ever to come out of a man's mouth.

To the non-humans present in the room, Ganondorf _had_ been speaking another language. He was now uttering various moans, groans, growls, and squeaks with which to communicate with the strike representatives. For the benefit of the audience, the following is a translation of that encounter:

Ganondorf sighed, mumbled something, and then said, "You buffoons! How dare you slaves strike against me!"

Now able to understand, the creatures began to "ah" in revelation their own special way - which pretty much sounded like an old man's bodily functions. Ganondorf swiftly dashed towards them and smashed his fist into the wall above them. Needless to say, the room became very quiet. The king pulled back his fist and blew the wall dust from his knuckles. His next words were sinister.

"Would one of you kindly tell me why I am wasting my time with you? Please, before I decide to make your deaths painful?"

The freezard muttered under its icy breath. "Whatever happened to 'Don't shoot the messenger?'"

Ganondorf shifted his glare to the freezard. His eyes glowed brighter, and the icy creature melted into a puff of smoke.

The lizalfo looked at the space the freezard previously inhabited and licked his scaly lips with a forked tongue.

"Wow," the lizard said, "looks really _can_ kill."

"Would you like to be next?" Ganondorf rumbled.

The lizalfo gave an uncharacteristic squeak, skittered under the wolfo - who was not pleased - and said, "Not particularly."

The king smirked. "I didn't think so."


	6. Body Functions

Dangerously serious again, Ganondorf took his sword and swung it - neatly clipping off the stalfo's head, which went soaring through the air. The Gerudo then stabbed the sword into the stone flooring next to his foot, rested his hand on the hilt, and caught the head in his other hand. Like the majority of skeleton creatures in Hyrule, the stalfo could still move - and talk.

"Ow," he moaned quietly as his body, which was blindly feeling around for its head, stood up and promptly tripped over the lizalfo's tail.

"Now," Ganondorf said, pulling the head closer to his face, "you seem to be the leader of this escapade. Tell me your silly terms, and be quick about it!"

The stalfo was wishing for a hand to wipe away the spittle that now sparkled on his forehead. Even so, he cleared his "throat" and began to speak.

"Now now, sir - let's use a low, well modulated voice while we negotiate, shall we?"

Ganondorf removed the had that was resting on the sword hilt and dragged his fingernails down the back of the skull. The effect could not have been improved, even if he had a chalkboard handy.

"You were saying?"

The stalfo head continued to wince a few seconds longer while replying. "Wow, that echoed!"

He shuddered briefly. "Ummm, yes. We are the representatives of the Union of Severely Unappreciated Hylian Creatures - also known as USUHC."

Ganondorf's eyes were turning red again as he glowered. "Come_ again?_"

The stalfo was going to continue, but his realization of Ganondorf's interpretation of the acronym brought instead a phrase that roughly translates as, "Dyarmghmn..."

Seeing that Ganondorf did not exactly approve of how the acronym sounded, he decided to proceed with the terms - and spell out the union abbreviation from then on.

"Yes, well, umm, these are our terms..."

The pause did little to help Ganondorf's patience.

"WELL?!"

The stalfo looked, well, up. "Please, sir - permit me my assistant?"

Ganondorf paused, then nodded gruffly.

The head "hopped" around in the Gerudo's hand until he was looking at the wall behind the creatures. With some being pointed in the right direction by the redead, the stalfo's body began to march - almost pompously - towards the king and the pate. It strode directly to Ganondorf...

...and then kept going.

Ganondorf followed the body with his eyes as it passed him. If it had not been so funny, he would have cut it to pieces right then for the haughtiness.

Needless to say, the stalfo head was horrified. Aghast at how much embarrassment this was causing, he whistled sharply. If the head had been on the body where it belonged, it would have looked around for the origin of the whistle. The body was still complying with that reaction though it was missing the primary appendage that would have allowed it to see anything. Even so, there would have been no whistle for the head to hear had it still been attached, proving that there is no reason whatsoever for everything written from "he whistled sharply" to now.

The body was now standing before Ganondorf and its head - the head which would have liked to slap himself in the forehead had his hand not been three feet away because the body was facing, in fact, the wrong direction. A short throat clearing sound righted that. Now one of the arms reached into the ribcage, which is apparently the equivalent of a pocket to stalfos, and pulled out a rolled up piece of parchment - different from the first - with a red seal and ribbon at the bottom. Unrolling it, the body held the paper before it's face...upside-down.

"Ack!" is what came from the stalfo head. He gave a few directional commands to the body, and soon he could properly see the writing. He then proceeded to read the terms...


	7. On Bad Terms

The stalfo body elaborately extended its arms, daintily unrolled the paper, and held it before the head.

The stalfo head squinted. "What in Hyrule is this? Can't anyone write properly anymore?"

Ganondorf's patience slipped further. With his next words, he spoke slowly and stressfully.

"It's. Up. Side. Down. You. Idiot"

The stalfo head looked again. "Oh, yeah. Well, what do you know? Thanks!"

Ganondorf emitted a low growl. The body righted the paper, and the head shuddered, cleared his "throat" once more, and then - finally - began.

"We, the oppressed of Hyrule, have come together in righteous fury to right the wrongs against the wronged. We are no longer the monsters of Hyrule, but the Union of Severely Unappreciated Hylian Creatures - also known as U-S-U-C-H."

The stalfo had been careful to spell out the acronym.

"We include all downtrodden creatures: the skulltulla, the keese, the dekubaba, the Anubis, the wolfo-" From behind came a howl of pleasure, "- the poe, the tektite, the gibdo, the wallmaster - "

"**_STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP_**!"

Patience shattered. Ganondorf snatched the paper and hurled the two stalfo parts back to the wall with the other union members. The body landed with its neck in the head's mouth.

Ganondorf was smoldering. "Enough! For Heaven's Sake! I will read this ridiculous thing myself!!"

After his breathing calmed a bit, he opened the paper and read - muttering slightly to himself.

"Let's see...better armor...yada yada yada...dental care? Why does everyone want dental care? How many even _have_ teeth?! Ugh...self-destruct ability? The dodongo's already have that!...smr smr...ridiculous...heck NO!...paid vacations?...casual Fridays, Bring Your Large Ferocious Pet to Work Day...inddor plumbing...What the - ? _LIFE INSURANCE_?!"

The stalfo, now whole again, stood up.

"Yes, we die quite easily, thanks to that horrid little fairy boy and poor planning. We wanted to be able to leave something for the family - I have five stalchildren, you know - especially with the cost of funeral arrangements these days."

If Ganondorf had heard anyone call the anger he felt then "transcendent rage," he would have killed them on the spot for such a ghastly understatement.

"**YOU DISAPPEAR WHEN YOU DIE! WHY DO YOU NEED LIFE INSURANCE?!**"

The stalfo crossed his arms. "It's only proper to give a ceremony."

The paper was then shoved in his mouth and set ablaze.

Now the Gerudo king looked crazed. "I'll just destroy all of you and make new monsters!"

The stalfo shook his head and spat out the flaming paper. "They'll just do the same thing."

"They'll never know if you're gone."

"They'll know. We put up copies of our grievances."

He gestured with his thumb bone. Sure enough, evenly spaced around the room- the rest of the castle, too, but Ganondorf did not know that - were little, screaming "USUHC" at the top of each one.

Ganondorf charged one of his power blasts. "I'll just destroy those first."

The stalfo snickered. "Can't."

"Watch me!"

The beam was sent full blast towards one of the posters. It struck so forcefully that smoke filled the room and chunkd of debris from the wall went flying. Ganondorf's face was triumphant, and he began to turn towards the wide-eyed monsters.

Suddenly, he stopped. His fierce anger returned to replace his delectation. There, with all the wall around it destroyed, was the flyer, and it was encased in a pink rupee.

"**GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH**!!"

A large wall of fire began building and expanding around Ganondorf. Suddenly, it rocketed away - striking everything in the room. The monsters all disappeared into puffs of smoke.


End file.
